Over Nine Thousand

We’re going to go out of order, just to get Mr. Satan out of the way.

Yikes. Is this really our third Mr. Satan fight? I ranked this a little higher simply because Android 18 is throwing the match, and it’s not often we see a dive in Dragon Ball Z fights. But I would consider this the smartest thing almost anyone has done in the Cell/Buu sagas, other than maybe Mr. Satan taking responsibility for killing Cell and endearing himself to the stupid asses of the world (i.e. EVERYONE). She’s a keeper, that’s for sure.

Thankfully, we have a few more fights incorporated in to upgrade this over the standard filler. You have two ownage shots of the usual douchebags, which thankfully last only three seconds each way. I don’t know who finds these ownage shots funny; they’re usually border on the mildly xenophobic side, but then again this is typical of most anime.

The Mighty Mask/Android 18 fight is fun because it’s the first time we’ve seen her on even terms since delivering Vegeta a turd sandwich. And she’s in her element either–she hasn’t lost much of a step, and is more than a match for the two pint-size Super Saiyans. It’s pretty interesting to watch her evade the tricksters, although you’d think she’d be smart enough to figure out that there were two eye holes poked out for money.

Oh well, fighters were never recruited for their brains, were they? Speaking of which, what kind of fighter would dress up in that get-up? It looks like he’s wearing a garbage bag stuffed up on another garbage bag? Never has DBZ witnessed a more poorly dressed fighter.

As for Mr. Satan, I mean, you have to give him some credit. Dude’s shameless, and he totally knows when he’s outclassed. He gives it everything he’s got to win when given a chance to save face–and as expected, it’s not that much.

Winner: Android 20 by ownage

This is not really a fight as it is more or less Yamcha getting his shit ruined. It’s a farewell from fighting for the ladies man/vagrant, but it’s clear that the fighting power that he had once desired had pretty much left him (he would not be seen in combat for the rest of the series, save a few minutes of helping Gohan in his battle with Cell). The Androids are just on another level.

Nevertheless, it’s sad to see Yamcha in this state, just because it leaves it clear to the viewer that only Piccolo and the Saiyans will be useful in the fights ahead. It is a precursor for things to come as the gold haired fighters become the norm of the series and the remaining fighters are cast to the side. But I guess that’s the way things go in the Dragon Ball Z universe.

They should just rename this fight the “I know I’m going to get my ass kicked so I’m going to weasel my way out of this one in the most pathetic way possible.” I will never understand the value of Mr. Satan as a fighting character. This is basically a filler fight, with nary the slightest bit of tension nor interest in the conclusion. You could have taken a ten minute dump and made more useful matters of your time.

This gets slightly upgraded over the Cell fight only because Satan is totally certain he’s about to get savaged. Add in the fact that Trunks is so confident in victory that Mr. Satan has to come up with a humbling solution to this sideshow. The way the audiences buys into this nonsense is almost as laughable as the way sports fans latch onto their favorite players and defend them through thick and thin, regardless of their performance. I should just call all the denizens of Dragon Ball Earth “Kobe fans” considering how irrational their love for Mr. Satan is. Although even KB24 does ten thousand times more than this clown.

The artist wears combat boots. He looks in the mirror and sees GI Joe. Remember, the Muse favors working stiffs. She hates prima donnas. To the gods the supreme sin is not rape or murder, but pride.

Steven Pressfield, The War of Art

Pride. It is what blinds every warrior from true and lasting greatness. It is what prevents him from reaching the mountaintop, this resistance to to put themselves through the edge.

However, there is one character that stands above the fray, who keeps his flaws on the surface and does not submerge them for the sake of the group. For the majority of the series, he works for his own personal glory, because most of his life he has known nothing more than to fulfill his destiny as the greatest warrior of the universe.

But his Saiyan pride kept him from realizing that fate.

I guess we should understand where Vegeta is coming from. To be the highest class warrior, to be the prince of his people put him on a pedestal that spoiled him from the moment of birth. To be bested by a so-called commoner, a lower-class individual insulted him on the basest of levels. He would suffer with that burden through most of the series, and it stunted his incredible growth as a fighter.

As compelling a character as Vegeta might be, his greatest weakness has always been his inability to deal with his pride. The warrior fell in battle two times, once to prove that he could play the hero role, and he STILL needed to be coaxed into fighting a winning strategy. Even the great Goku has fallen to this trap at times, always demanding the one-on-one battle in fights where the burden could have been easier had he fought side-by-side.

Always remember that the frustrating part about the Saiyans was their inability to set aside their pride. It’s what did them in as a race. They could not think rationally about conflicts that they should have dealt with through stealth and patience. Frieza wiped them out with a flick of their finger because they weren’t even close to ready to handle them, not anywhere near reaching their potential and getting to the next level.

Interestingly, Vegeta’s pride served as a double edged sword. His pride kept him training even harder on his own, but refused to accept the help of others or entertaining the idea of training with others. He believed he existed on a level superior to everyone else, but his inability to suppress his ego prevented him from surpassing Kakarrot for the series. His pride ruled him, and ultimately cost him his life and several fights. He would fight too many of his battles against better fighters, seeking to justify himself as a better fighter than Kakarrot. He would lose most of them, and get killed twice. Almost every defeat reflected back onto his pride though, and hampered his judgment for much of his fighting life.

It imprisoned him. He could not function. His new family did not offer him recompense. How could he lose? It was impossible for him to consider the notion of losing. The inability to accept failure set him back; he was sidetracked from his goals by his obsessions with his fellow Saiyan warrior.

It took him a decade before he was finally able to let go of the past. He would accept his role as second-best to Goku near the end of the saga. It would’ve been interesting to see the Saiyan Prince fight one last time against his old nemesis, uninhibited by emotions, providing the ultimate lesson that pride never pays.

Let’s see now, you have a title fight that has one of the most overhyped fighters in Earth’s history facing off a dude with all the evolutionary enhancements of every Z fighter that has fought in the history of Dragon Ball. You have an extreme amount of hype that any viewer with several brain cells in his head could figure out who would win. You have a fight where Vegas would have laid 99999999:1 odds on Mr. Satan if they had the true statsheet, if Vegas could bet on imaginary anime fights. And you have about an hour of filler dedicated to this clown in several episodes leading up to the fight.

So yeah, I feel like this place is just about right.

Caveat: The result of this fight led to this uproarious reenactment, which probably convinced no one except the cretins of this incarnation of Planet Earth.

Next up: He’ll do a better job in controlled environments. Right?

Winner: Raditz by KO

Note that all these fights are from the anime, not the movies. I will have a separate list and incorporate them soon enough. It seems that people continue to think of this as the first Dragon Ball Z fight, since the farmer did manage to get off his shots and Raditz actually fought back (the Evil Buu vs. vagrants fight is too onesided to count). Since we didn’t exactly know who Raditz was when the farmer first encounters him, there is an aura of mystery surrounding him and the farmer’s standoff. Perhaps this intrepid harvester will become the newest Z fighter, the one to emerge as the new hero.

Okay. I tried to say all that with a straight face. There’s a reason that the first “fight” in DBZ is last on this list.

Caveat: It led to this fantastic series of DBZ videos with the farmer actually enacting that dream scenario above, conquering all of DBZ greatest fighters.

Next: What will the World Martial Arts Champion Do?

The number of soldiers in a US Army Airborne Division.

Glitches. And home runs.

Might be it for awhile with these–all the rest are pretty lame. And this one was bordering on it too.

Time to evade the IRS again.

Ted Stevens knows his shit kids. Listen and learn as he speaks through a panicked Namek.